Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
