Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Randomize
