We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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