Me too!
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
