Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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