You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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