Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
