Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
