You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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