Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize
