AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
