and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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