It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
