you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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