I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
