Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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