i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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