This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
