I cockslap morals
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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