Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
