Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
