Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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