She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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