omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
tonight lets celebrate not being married
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
