You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
