My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
