I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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