So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
