I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
