Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
