life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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