You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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