New invention idea: vibrating tampons
she looked like the before picture.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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