I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
