If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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