nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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