we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
