Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
