Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Moan for me like Helen Keller
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
