I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
