There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
