there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Randomize
