rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
