in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
