During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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