Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
