I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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