I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
