two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
