He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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