Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
